020060127 22:50 • 
Tossing my musician’s backpack into the seat before me, I slid into the taxi near First and Market. After giving the driver my destination, he immediately whipped a faster-than-light U-turn into oncoming traffic. The stunned drivers had no time to stop, slow down or even hit their horns before he had already merged right into their midst. I could tell from his expression, watching me in the rearview, he thought I would be scared by this.
I laughed, loudly, “Cabbies are my favorite drivers! You can drive, man! How long have you been a cabbie?”
Thus began one of the most hilarious journeys I’ve taken by taxi in San Francisco. I usually joke around with the drivers, ask them how business is, get any crazy stories they’re willing to share. This trip, as we literally flew through traffic in various trajectories I didn’t even know a cab was capable of following, the driver was a live one. By the end of the trip we were both laughing so hard our faces hurt.
Than’s been driving a cab for five years, and says he manages to haul around over 500 people per day. At the speed he was driving, that number is probably underestimated. He’s from Vietnam, in his fifties, and has a thriving side business importing a natural Asian substitute for Viagra and selling to other cabbies and riders. I didn’t believe his age at first, not by a couple decades, until he showed me his California driver’s license.
“You want to know how I stay so young?”
“What’s your secret?” I asked.
“I have three wives, and working on number four.”
“Three in a row, or three all at once?”
“All at once. One here, one in Oakland, one in Hayward and number four lives in San Jose.”
Than splits his time between cities, and drives a cab in each of them on a rotating schedule. I thought of the 500 people per day he chauffeurs, and how so many of them, even here in the highly liberal Bay Area, assume he’s just a guy like they are, living a life somewhat similar to their own, and is probably unremarkable or he would not be driving a cab.
“You have a busy schedule.”
“Oh, they work out my schedule. Everybody knows about everybody. I learned a long time ago, tell a woman the truth, she’ll love you no matter what. If you lie to her, better hide all the guns. A woman is just like you. You mafia, she’s mafia. You like to dance, she likes to dance. You like to fuck, she likes to fuck. I just tell them what I like and it always turns out they like it, too!”
At breakneck speed, we pass by a couple women waiting at the crosswalk. Than points at the blur out the window and says, “You need more wives! I have the perfect plan. See, they need a husband.” We pass a couple more. “Look… lonely, carrying groceries alone, probably watch television and cry all night. Even a couple hour husband would help.”
“Maybe they like it without a man.”
“Ok, some, yes, but most are crying. Here’s my plan: Rent A Husband dot com. Different rates for different jobs, and if we like doing the jobs we charge less. This way, the Rent A Husbands can help lots of lonely women and the ones we fall in love with, we’ll stop charging and just be their husbands!”
“That’s a great idea! You’re going to be very rich.”
“So… you want a job?”
Page 1 of 1 pages